Chicken satay is not delicious anymore, nor rice-beef porridge, not also cakes, nothing. It is only your kiss that I taste is still delicious, told my husband. I laughed nervously. Tried to hold back my tears. I know, I taste your kiss is also delicious, I replied.

My husband started to lose appetite since a week ago. Yesterday, he asked me to make Mie Nyemek (a Javanese style of noodle soup with spicy and savoury broth). After 6 spoons, he asked me to stop feeding him and wanted sweet hot tea. Today, he didn’t eat anything, he consumed only liquid, fruit flavour popsicles and glasses of sweet hot tea. Sometimes, I offered him nutrient milk (for cancer patient), but I don’t think he really like its taste.

Two days ago, again, I cried in distress as my husband slept hours and hours very soundly, it just reminded of his condition in the hospital last month. The cycle was always like, my husband would be in agonizing pain, couldn’t sleep for days, then sleep for more than 12 hours like a baby. When he was sleeping I would insist him to have water or liquid in take. Sometimes, he refused and told me, he just wanted to sleep. But, other time, he would drink the water or hot tea. Using a straw.

In this difficult time, I still always try to count my blessings. That’s very important, keep counting our blessings in spite of the fact, things in life are going not in our preferences. When you’re in happiness, it will be easy peasy to thank your blessing. But, how about when you have two daughters, 12 and 14 years and your husband is having a terminal illness that human-logical will not long survive? Will you (still) be able to count your blessing?

I will give it a try. I feel my gratitude because our daughters are doing great in school and adapt well with their father’s condition. They become independent and will be tough woman, I’m sure. Moreover, I have time to take care my husband and express my love for him.

These photos were taken last February in my daughters tooth filling ceremony (mepandes or metatah). An important religious ceremony for the Bali Hindus that is done when a girl or boy has entered their puberty. Again, I feel my gratitude because my husband has got the chance to see and celebrate our daughters’ beautiful religious ceremony.

3 thoughts on “Gratitude

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