I stared at my laptop, had no idea what to write, words seemed jumbled in my brain. But, I wanted to write. It’s almost a year since my last blog updated. Many things happened. Slowly but sure, the cancer consumed my husband’s body and spirit. It was started with the pain he experiences, that he tried to fight by having painkiller pill and kept increasing the dosage. Until the painkiller also kill my husband’s appetite. He then stopped being a vegetarian, did not want to drink any juice (fruits or vegetables), including the carrot juice. He asked for sweet things (tea with white sugar, ice cream, cakes). Probably, because that kind of food is tasted better in his palate than healthy food. If you remember about my previous posts about his cancer, you will understand those sweet things are actually feeding his cancer. After two years never been hospitalized, since August to October, he has been in hospital 3 times, because of his HB was too low (lower than 9) and he has to be transfused. The last one was the worse, he vomited black liquid as well black feces. When the paramedic had to move him from his bed to the ambulance bed, he lost his consciousness. I saw it. My daughters saw it, they hugged each other seeing their father like that. We burst in tears, it was awful. When the paramedic put the oxygen, he regained his consciousness and could communicate that the oxygen mask was way too tied. In the hospital, they examined my husband and told us he has chronic ulcus pepticum. It happened for long, the blood has turned his vomit and feces black. In his second day in the hospital, my husband slept so well for almost 24 hours, he did not move, he did not want to eat or drink, he just slept. But, when we asked him something to keep him alert, he could answer us logically, then went back to sleep (too) soundly. The nurses calmed me and said, he just tired. But, it did not calm me, later in the evening, my mind took me to the efforts we had made to fight his advanced cancer. Used ECCT blanket, took Chinese medicine, drank a lot carrot juice, becomes vegetarian, avoid sugar, fine white flour, white rice, eat brown rice, eat fresh fruit. I started to find mistakes, may be because he did not eat fresh vegetable, he just like cooked vegetables, why could not he resisted himself to take more and more painkiller pills, why was I did not more care about how much dosage he had take in the evening when he could not sleep. He has collections of painkillers: Oxyneo, Arcoxia, Tramal, Durogesic patch, or Xanax (for helping him to sleep, but it did not work so well that he kept awake all night long). We have planned the cures for his advanced cancer (prostate that has already metastasized to the bones) naturally. But, it did not work very well. Everything went on NOT in our plan. We wanted my husband to be cured from cancer, but his health is dropping slowly. Every month he lost his life quality, difficult to walk, difficult to stand up, difficult to sit and then, he just laid in bed, could not move, because it was too painful to move. And from the USG, they found that my husband’s liver has swollen because there are multiple nodes there and his bile is hardened. His cancer has metastasized. I did not ask the doctor what they can do with that and he did not offer anything to do as well. We are already in a situation of ‘there’s nothing we can do more but accept it’. But, do I really able to accept it? That second night. I was alone only with my husband in the hospital room. Every time I touched his hand or body, it was cold, and suddenly I felt scared and very lonely. It just like, how can I live without him, how can I raise our young daughters? When it became to hard to handle, I called my mother, crying uncontrollably and told her I am scared and I am not ready if he ever left me. My mother told me as any wise woman would, you should let him, release him, he has suffered for long. Tell him, you will always love him, take care and raise your daughters until they can live on their own. Pray for the best for him. Only for the best, she told me. Her advice hit my mind. I used to say, I trust in God. How deep is my trust in God, especially when sadness happens? Our plan is probably different with God’s plan. And what I must believe is God’s plan will always be the best for His creations. He created us, certainly we must not misjudge His plan for His creations. Around 2 am my husband woke and I started to talk to him. Telling him how much I love him, that he should not worry leaving us in this world. I can raise and take care our daughters. Properly. Until they can stand on their own feet. My husband reaction was: What? They cannot cure my cancer? I replied: I don’t know, lets talk about the worse (according to our plan). Because you know that, everything happens in God’s plan. Right? My husband nodded, it is just in case. Do you have anything to say to me? He told me to keep being a strong and brave woman. He knows I can take care our daughters. Our conversation was quite normal, my husband then went back to sleep and I also slept. In the morning, coincidentally it was a holiday, I called my daughters (14 and 12 years old) to come to the hospital. And I told my husband to say ‘something’ to them. Again, he gave almost the same words to them, be strong, be brave and take care of your self. And listen to your mother, because she knows what good for you. My husband spent 7 days in the hospital, the bleeding was stop, his HB reached 10,9, and the doctor allowed him to go home. Take care of him at home, he said.
We take care of him at home. I hire nurse for home care, so I can go to work and feel not have to worry because a professional is caring him meanwhile I am not home. My husband still feel the agony pain, taking painkiller routinely, have fish Belida extract (to give protein needs). He eats in very moderate portion, the doctor said because his swollen liver has pushed his stomach that he feels full easily. He eats chicken satay and rice cake for his meals (because this food is the only he can enjoy), have orange (the only fruit he can enjoy, sweet and sour at the same time), Japanese style cotton cake (the only cake he can enjoy, because it is kind of soft and easy to be chewed). My daughters adapt quite well with their father’s condition. My second daughter (Ami, aged 12), even, has night shift to take care her father when she has a holiday the day after. We are learning to accept God’s plan for our life. It will not easy, I know. But. We are learning.